Wednesday, October 16, 2013

When we built our house I read blog after blog of people going through the process. When we started our infertility journey I read so many infertility boards page by page.  Now at what I thought would be the end of our journey seems to be just the beginning…

Charles and I got married in May 2012.  We actually started to try to get pregnant before we were married.  I had always known in my heart and mind that I would have a hard time getting pregnant.  We took the summer of 2012 to enjoy being married.  We did 3 months of unmonitored clomid (50mg).  In September 2012, we started seeing our first RE (Penn Fertility).  When I originally walked into the doctors office there was not a square inch of space on the wall that wasn’t covered in a baby picture.  We hadn’t even started talking and I was already crying.  I knew very quickly that this was not the place for us.  We did complete our initial testing there and that’s pretty much it. 

In January 2013 we went to MLF to see Dr. G.  We did one round of high dose clomid and I reacted well.  I had 3 great follies and we did and IUI.  Not pregnant…ok move on.  I was SO SICK from the clomid that we switched to letrozole.  Only 2 follies….IUI…not pregnant.  Ok move on… Injectables, follistim…3 follies again, IUI…not pregnant.    Adjust follistim dose…Wayyyyyy over stimulate.  Had 20 some follies… okay should we convert to IVF?  What is holding us back?  I cried in the doctors office and knew that I always would end up doing IVF anyway and always felt like we were wasting time/money/energy on IUIs so we converted to IVF.  We said the only thing holding us back was the cost, and we would just find the money.  2 weeks later…..PREGNANT!!!!  happiness that we both never felt.  But I honestly never felt like it was real.  I deep down knew it wasn’t our time.  Oh and we had no follies to freeze. 

One thing I regret/am thankful we did (confusing right?)….we told our families.  We got so excited and blew things so far out of proportion.  Our baby would be the first grandchild for either of our parents…and the first great grandchild for my grandparents.  I am thankful I have that video of them finding out…of them being SO HAPPY for us.  But I regret bringing them into this incredible HEARTBREAK.  I feel so SELFISH for telling my sweet grandparents and now knowing that they worry about us every single day.  Ugh.

 Ok….in between that IVF and our next IVF we went on vacation to the OBX…did high dose clomid then and 2 back to back IUIs…  maybe the pregnancy cleared me up and this would work.  Not so much.  Not pregnant.

Next up…our next round of IVF.  I asked Dr. G if he thought we needed PGD (genetic testing of our embryos).  He said “no, I don’t think you need it.  But if money isn’t a issue then it couldn’t hurt”.  Um well considering we already spent $30k in 8 months…its kind of “an issue”.  He said he would put us into the genetic study for free testing…umm WOW.  YAY.   Dr. G is working on “next generation genetic testing”.  I start stimming and find out that the consent form for the study hasn’t been completed yet and we wont be in the study.  Devastated.  Dr. G feels so bad that we started to stimming expecting genetic testing that he is going to give us regular PGD for free.  He retrieves 17 eggs, 13 fertilize.  We get to day 5 and only 3 are good enough to biopsy.  Already pretty down about that.  What happened to the rest??!  Get the call on what should be our transfer (6 days past retrieval).  Every. Single. Embryo.  ABNORMAL.  Devastation.  Literally.  Lowest point in I think both Charles and my lives.  So much sadness.  We talk to Dr. G that night.  What now?!?  He immediately starts talking about donor sperm/egg, etc.  saying next retrieval we can mix some donor sperm with a few eggs and Charles sperm with the rest.  That way we can figure out what the problem is.  I am 29 years old.  29. Years. Old.  What the f&ck is wrong with my eggs????

We are willing to throw every dollar we have at this “problem”.  But at the end of the day....there are only so many dollars.  So we decided next year..2014…we will be spending those dollars at the best of the best… CCRM.  This is what led me to start this blog.  I started doing research for CCRM.  I found out there are girls who have started a facebook group to discuss CCRM.  Oh awesome.  Can I join?!?  Umm no….only current or past patients.  WOW….tears literally poured from my face.  After everything we have all been through…really?  Its come to this?  Fine…keep your exclusivity. 

We have our CCRM initial consultation in a few weeks....

An amazing woman who has been through SOOOO much more than I have recommended I read a blog.  I stayed up until 2 am reading the entire thing.  Such a great support system blogs offer.  So here I am.  Even if no one reads it…this will let me get my thoughts out.

I hope one day my children will read this and know how much I wanted them…how much I fought for them.  I have fought for you EVERY single day.  And I will continue to do so forever.  I KNOW I am going to be a mother.  My amazing best friend reminds me of that.  Just concentrate on the fact that you will indeed one way or another be a mother.  I WILL be a mother one day, one way.

Every single night Charles and I say what we are thankful for…I am thankful we can somehow afford all of this and we are saving for CCRM, I am thankful for the most amazing husband who supports me no matter what, I am thankful for the opportunity medicine has offered us.  I am thankful for what the future holds for us.